We got up, and actually had to wake Avery up, she slept through the night, no problem. Avery had some breakfast, and we couldn't because it took me longer to get ready. Avery still will not go to Gary very well, throws a full on fit, so I had to get ready as quick as possible this morning, but at a later time than expected. Avery started to get really upset when she saw Gary changing his clothes, and me doing the same. I think she knew we were leaving and possibly thought we were taking her back. But she calmed down and fell asleep in the car on the way to the affairs office. She was fine during the appointments, and fell asleep again in the car on the way back to the hotel.
She went down for her nap early because the little duffer was so tired, but we had to get her up early because of lunch reservations at the hotel. Because of our schedule yesterday her schedule got screwed up and she was not a happy camper. She has definitely showed us her "spicy" girl temper, and on more than one occasion today. She was fine at lunch, and wolfed down a whole bunch of squash again, and an egg dish. We are not able to order for us, our guide "Smile" orders for us ahead, doesn't ask us, and then we get what we get when we get there. But the portions for 2 people are enormous. They just keep coming out with platter after platter of food. For lunch there were 5 platters of food on the table. We always end up leaving 3/4 of the food on the plate. But we got Avery's tummy full, and she had had her formula before we went down for lunch. After lunch she went down for another nap, after we played in the room for an hour or so. But after that, our little sweet girl turned into the spicy tempered Hunan girl...OMG!!!
When she got up from this nap, she was not in a good mood. Very cranky, and full on lungs crying, with the stiff as a board legs, and full on yelling, and arching her back. She hates to have her diaper changed, I mean hates it with a passion. I know thats common, but anytime you lay her on her back when she is awake she isn't going for it.
We have found out that when she says Mama, it means "I want it, and I want it right now!!!!!" Mama in Chinese does mean Mom, but this seems to be the word she says when she demands to have something. We think she has tummy cramps, and is very gassy. She acts like her tummy hurts, and she burps quite a bit, like she has a gas bubble. We are rubbing her stomach trying to work it down. The formula we got here at the store, she drinks, but we think it's the problem. So we've taken her off it, for a day to see if her tummy acts better. She will not drink the formula we brought with us, it is soy based, which is what they told us to bring. So we're at a loss on what to do about the formula.
She has not had a bowel movement since she has been with us. It has only been a little over a day and half since she's been with us. I know that's not uncommon either but worries me some. When we were asking questions at the orphanage and her schedule was translated for us. It said she had 4 diapers a day for urination, but nothing about bowel movements. They said something to the effect of take her to the bathroom before you put her down, and then Smile said or you can use a diaper. The translation here gets lost a lot, and it's hard to find someone that can actually understand what you're trying to ask- frustrating!!
We didn't go to our dinner reservations last night, Avery was crying and carrying on for quite awhile so we just couldn't go. I wasn't hungry anyway, and Gary had ordered some fruit for Avery because we needed to feed her. She ate all of it great! But after that, that was the tantrum where she was completely inconsolable. And quite frankly so was I. Different crying, not from her tummy. I was crying with her, trying to take her fears away. Please tell me that as a Mom, there are times when you cannot console your child, and that this is normal. We've only just met eachother and I so want her to feel safe and loved, and I know that it will come in time, but I just want to kiss the fears away, and am feeling like a big failure. Because she will not go to Gary it is all resting on me, and she comes to me with no hesitation but last night I could not calm her down until we gave her a cookie. A bribe I guess, we gave in. Whether good or bad, we gave in. No need to stress her out more, than she already is.
We did talk to a few people last night, and she was waving and babbling, so at least she put on a good show for everyone. I am so tired and haven't eaten much in the last few days. Gary is the same way. Our bodies haven't caught up yet with the time difference, and it is at least 96 degrees here everyday. Cannot stomach anymore Chinese food right now. Thank goodness we brought some cup a soups with us, and the chips from the plane ride over were in our carry on still. Plus we brought granola bars, and rice krispie treats.
It is really frustrating being here in the Province. Hardly anyone understands English, so like I said things get lost in the translation left and right. Not that we expected everyone to know English at all, but I was really surprised to this extent. So if you need anything, you can't get it. We are on our own again today our guide has another commitment with another orphanage. We are going to eat at the Western buffet for lunch today. Smile says it costs more, but at this point we don't care, we'll put in the extra money to get something familiar. We did have 2 cold Pepsi's yesterday, that was like heaven. It's a big deal to get a cold drink around here.You can't drink their ice, so having something refrigerated is special-but cheap to us (they think it is expensive)!! I guess I will start to lose the "adoption" weight while I'm here. All 3 years of adoption weight-lol!
So it's been a hard day...really hard day. I thought the first day/night went way too easy, and I was right. She needs to feel comfortable, and know that we aren't going to give her up and leave her, that we are Mama & Dada, and will love her forever. We had a lot of people say to us before we came, "Oh, she's so young she'll adjust quickly, no problem." We knew better than that. She will have separation anxiety at her age, it is common and prevalent. We have to gain her trust, and that will take a little while.
Think of it like this...
You were given up at 9 days old, found on the river bank. Taken to the hospital to have your arm evaluated and then taken to an orphanage to stay. And for those almost 14 months you only knew the orphanage, those people at the orphanage, those sounds, those smells, those voices, never been outside of the orphanage until the day you were to be adopted by people that look, and sound, and feel in every way foreign to you. You are thrust harshly and abruptly from everything you know, everything that is "normal" to you. Yeah, I think there would be some panic, and fears, and anxiety-definitely!! So we're working it through one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. On her time frame, her schedule- we'll take her lead.
I know most people don't talk about the hard days when going through this process, but it has been a hard day, hopefully today will be better. hopefully she'll begin to feel a little more comfortable, and open up again to us. She just shut down a little yesterday.
So any words of encouragement are gladly taken to help us through this phase. Prayers, and positive thoughts are also appreciated!!
Keep leaving us comments, it makes us feel like we're not so far away!!
Any suggestions, on formula, or anything else is also greatly appreciated. But remember where we are though, we are limited in what we can get a hold of...
Talk to everyone soon!!
Love,
Alli, Gary and Avery :)
19 comments:
When my kids were constipated I used pear juice. I am not sure if you are able to get it, but apple or prune may help to. Ethan was allergic to milk and we did not find out for a long time so we put him on a non-soy, non-milk based formula and it helped a lot. His signs of a milk allergy were consitpation and spitting up a lot of formula. I hope the suggestions help and it seems with every good day there are always a string a bad too, but their laughs and smiles make it all worth the good and bad. We still have the string of bad for every good. I look forward to reading more of the adventure and I wish you all the best. Wendy Grimm
Hang in there!!! I remember how hard it was for Benji to be the only one Lucas would go to and how he had all the responsibility (Alli). And, Gary, I remember how hard it was for me to not be able to help because Lucas didn't want anything to do with me, I felt helpless and hurt. None of it is fun, but as you know it's all normal. Her age is more difficult than others. She is too young to understand what is happening to her (Lucas understood...and it was still hard), and she is old enough that she knows something is happening to her, something that is not normal. Our friends who adopted the girl Avery's age had the most trouble in our group, but it DID GET BETTER!!! Their daughter wouldn't even look at either of them, and now she is well adjusted and happy. Hang in there. Allie, nap every time she naps or I'm afraid you will get drained and there won't be anything Gary can do to help. Eat and stay hydrated. I know you know this stuff, but sometimes you need to hear it again. She will bond and soon your and Gary's voice and your songs will be the only things that comfort her. you have all our best and we are praying hard. Congratulations again and things will be sooooo much better soon. Love to you all!
So sorry you had such a rough day. Keep going by her lead. Hopefully she will be able to communicate to you some how and/or you will figure out her needs soon enough. It is one of the worst things to deal with as a parent when your child is crying inconsolably and you don't know how to fix it. Hopefully she will learn to trust and love Gary soon too! I think things will get easier when you are back home and at least you are able to get what you need and be comfortable with your surroundings. Praying for better days and lots of hugs and patience!! -Erin Mayne
At Jenna's one year we were told to put her right on whole milk, I don't know if that helps over there. You are right this is a HUGE adjustment for her, she will come to know how lucky she is it may take awhile. Being a Mom is doing what you are doing let Avery show you the best she can what she needs. A cookie is not a bribe it is a peace offering. I have to put Jenna to bed "talk" more later.
Love Ya,
Kelly, Chris and Jenna
Oh, I'm so sorry it's been such a hard day! Be patient--she will be consolable soon. But, it will take a time. My suggestion regarding the formula would be to keep giving her what she has been having at the orphanage. Our doctor told us to keep her food as constant as possible since everything else in her world was changing. The constipation is not unusual. Just keep her hydrated. Keep giving her fruit--fruit juice too if you can. Dried fruit is very popular in China. You should have no trouble finding oodles to pick from at the store that you could use for snacks for her too. And, do not feel guilty AT ALL bribing her with snacks. That too is something that the attachment literature suggests in the beginning. Just help her to learn that you are the "good guys." If it takes cookies, by all means, give cookies!
Oh my, she sounds fiesty! I obviously don't have experience with being a mom but I know that I was a handful. My mom says that through me being sick pretty much all my life, and especially with my headaches, there are times when you feel helpless. But I personally remember and feel more loved, knowing that my mom was right there crying with me. It sounds strange, but it is comforting.
Love you all and I hope you have a better day tomorrow!! ( today??)
Oh I'm so sorry you guys had a bad day! Little kids definitely go through this... even at age 6 Ethan has days where he's a complete mess and there's nothing you can do to make him feel better. You're probably right with the formula. It's probably bothering her stomach a bit especially if that wasn't what she was taking before. I know at this stage in the game our pediatrician told us that after 1 year old they were supposed to get most of their nourishment from food other than formula or breast milk. You could try giving her regular milk (if it's safe and good over there). Maybe something that she's had over the last few days she hasn't had before and that's bothering her? I know when Ethan couldn't go to the bathroom we were told to give him pear juice or apple juice or something that would help him go but it does take some time to work through the system. If they have blueberries or pineapple that always works wonders with Ethan (although I know you're in China and not the USA). I hope she does a little bit better with Gary too. It is odd that the guy said that she didn't like men, but at the same time he was the one that was holding her. Maybe Gary should wear some sparkly necklace or something. it sounds stupid, but I know kids are like raccoons and are attracted to shiny objects. She might get over her fears if there's something that interests her.
Good mood vibes going your way!!
We went through the EXACT same thing when we adopted Alex. I sent an email home asking for a lot of prayer! I cried everyday, it was sad, disappointing, and very frustrating. It helped a lot to talk to Christa as she had been through it. Some of the best advise she gave was "fake it till you make it". It does get better with time. I know when you're going through it it's very difficult and feels like forever! Please feel free to call me anytime. It makes it a little easier when you know others have gone through the same thing. Don't get to discouraged or be to hard on yourselves, you're already great parents! Like you said, she needs time to adjust to all the changes and before long it'll feel like she's always been there.
As far as the formula, Alex was still taking a bottle of formula when we got him and Dr. Otchoterena said to take it away completely and give whole milk in a sippy cup. They don't need formula after a year old. If she loves her bottle I would continue with what you're doing until you get home and then make the transition. Good luck:)
Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way:)
We all have tough days as mom's. We are battling with the croup here stateside while being sick ourselves. It is a learn as you go profession and you have a high learning curve. We are praying for you.
Some things that help with gas and constipation are moving the baby legs in a cycling motion while holding her or pulling the legs towards her tummy. If it is truly gas they usually resist that motion, sometimes they need help to work it out.
Apple juice is good for constipation, too much and you have the other problem. If you can find it, or any other kind of fruit as well should help, just make sure the juice is bottled and not concentrated and mixed with water for the same reason you don't drink the water. Canned apricots or peaches, they can even have apples as long as they are cut up really small, we used to say in the baby room, as small as the babys fingernail as a guide. If you could find rasins they also work great.Avoid Bananas they have the opposite effect.
Also, the formula is probably ok, if she will drink it, it rarely causes the gas, unless she were lactose intolerant, but I assume she had a milk based formula at the orphange. Stress and being thrown off her schedule could cause the tummy troubles.
Don't feel like a bad mom to give a cookie to the baby. Snacks are the way to a toddlers heart. Eating is a good thing. Keep her eating and the other problem should work it's way out.
I am so excited for you guys :) Give yourself a break, you are both going to take sometime to adjust, and you guys and Avery both are going to have some culture shock. Keep your energy up, even if it mean sodas. When my parents were in China, my dad ate all the food and my mom survived on Coca Cola.
"Lord, when doubt fills my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94:19
Alli, the fact that you are crying with her is testiment enough to how much you and gary love her and are willing to give everything to care for her. You guys are amazing parents, I can tell just from the pictures what a loving family the three of you create. Change is hard on everyone, and soon these hard days will be lost in happy days. The pictures are so amazing, the black and white with Alli and Avery is so gorgeous, brings tears to my eyes! Congratulations! love you guys! - Ashley Monaco
Alli,
Keep your chin up it will get easier. Waking her from sleep may have been the cause of the tough day. Hopefully she will sleep through the night again for you. It will give you time to rest. As they say when she naps you should too.
Jaden had a tough time on his formula for his whole first year. He didn't do well on soy either. At a year he switch to milk and has been fine ever since. we did half formula and half milk the first couple days then plain milk after that.
Yes all parents have those days! They drain you but they don't last forever.
The kids love the pictures of you, Gary and Avery and can not wait until you are home so they can see her.
Hope you have a better day.
Lori Babcock
Prayers for you guys. Hopefully, Avery will do better today. Thinking a lot about you guys lately, and checking your blog very often. Love, Heather
Hi Newton Family! Try slowly introducing the soy formula by mixing it with her formula. Start with little of the soy with mostly chinese formula, then slowly to each bottle add a little more soy and less chinese formula:) I pray for strength and happiness for you all,and you are doing everything right, kids are inconsoleable sometimes. Love yas,Amy and Dana Cowles
Hi Allison!
I was just taking a break from packing to catch up on your blog. I had to write after reading about your first rough day with Avery! You don’t have to post this, but I wanted to try to get a message to you and give you some support while you are so far away. It is VERY normal for a mom not to able to console her child. Jacob was born with Gastrointestinal Reflux (farily common) – after he drank his formula it, along with the acidic digestive juices, would shoot back up into his throat, out his nose, everywhere. This happened every time he ate and he would just SCREAM. Nothing I did helped, and I felt so helpless. After trying everything, I would end up on the floor, holding him just sobbing along with him. It was awful. For whatever reason in our culture it seems that it’s taboo for new moms don’t talk about this kind of stuff. It’s almost like if we do, we’re lesser somehow. It’s like we all are supposed to give this impression that we are all superwoman and life with a new child is always blissful. It’s not and that’s OK. The good days will far outshine the bad ones! It’s just getting through the bad ones that’s tough, I know.
You sound like you are right on about her belly pain, possibly gas. When little ones cry inconsolably it is most always due to discomfort. Babies will arch their back when they are having belly pain and gas can be very uncomfortable for them. Changes in their diet can be huge and really affect this. I’m assuming she has a lactose intolerance or sensitivity because of the soy formula? Babies in the US drink whole milk form ages 1 yr to 2 yr but I’m sure her circumstances are much different and Dr O will sort that out with you I’m sure. I wish I could recommend a formula to you but I don’t know what they have their. Some soy formulas with still have other milk proteins in them that she could be sensitive to cause the gas and discomfort. I think you are doing the right thing at this point, under the circumstances, by skipping the formula for now and keeping her well hydrated with water and juices. She will need to go back on the formula or milk eventually but I’m sure you can back on track when you get home and you’ll have access to more resources. Infants need the fat in milk/formula at this age for brain development…but holding it for a few wks don’t mean she would go to college.
Hang in there. You are doing A GREAT JOB (Gary too I’m sure). You look like a natural in your photos! I may be without interenet for a few days coming up, but I wll be thinking about you guys!
All the best ~ Kristin
Hi Allison!
I was just taking a break from packing to catch up on your blog. I had to write after reading about your first rough day with Avery! You don’t have to post this, but I wanted to try to get a message to you and give you some support while you are so far away. It is VERY normal for a mom not to able to console her child. Jacob was born with Gastrointestinal Reflux (farily common) – after he drank his formula it, along with the acidic digestive juices, would shoot back up into his throat, out his nose, everywhere. This happened every time he ate and he would just SCREAM. Nothing I did helped, and I felt so helpless. After trying everything, I would end up on the floor, holding him just sobbing along with him. It was awful. For whatever reason in our culture it seems that it’s taboo for new moms don’t talk about this kind of stuff. It’s almost like if we do, we’re lesser somehow. It’s like we all are supposed to give this impression that we are all superwoman and life with a new child is always blissful. It’s not and that’s OK. The good days will far outshine the bad ones! It’s just getting through the bad ones that’s tough, I know.
You sound like you are right on about her belly pain, possibly gas. When little ones cry inconsolably it is most always due to discomfort. Babies will arch their back when they are having belly pain and gas can be very uncomfortable for them. Changes in their diet can be huge and really affect this. I’m assuming she has a lactose intolerance or sensitivity because of the soy formula? Babies in the US drink whole milk form ages 1 yr to 2 yr but I’m sure her circumstances are much different and Dr O will sort that out with you I’m sure. I wish I could recommend a formula to you but I don’t know what they have their. Some soy formulas with still have other milk proteins in them that she could be sensitive to cause the gas and discomfort. I think you are doing the right thing at this point, under the circumstances, by skipping the formula for now and keeping her well hydrated with water and juices. She will need to go back on the formula or milk eventually but I’m sure you can back on track when you get home and you’ll have access to more resources. Infants need the fat in milk/formula at this age for brain development…but holding it for a few wks don’t mean she would go to college.
Hang in there. You are doing A GREAT JOB (Gary too I’m sure). You look like a natural in your photos! I may be without interenet for a few days coming up, but I wll be thinking about you guys!
Tall the best ~ Kristin
Hi Allison!
I was just taking a break from packing to catch up on your blog. I had to write after reading about your first rough day with Avery! You don’t have to post this, but I wanted to try to get a message to you and give you some support while you are so far away. It is VERY normal for a mom not to able to console her child. Jacob was born with Gastrointestinal Reflux (farily common) – after he drank his formula it, along with the acidic digestive juices, would shoot back up into his throat, out his nose, everywhere. This happened every time he ate and he would just SCREAM. Nothing I did helped, and I felt so helpless. After trying everything, I would end up on the floor, holding him just sobbing along with him. It was awful. For whatever reason in our culture it seems that it’s taboo for new moms don’t talk about this kind of stuff. It’s almost like if we do, we’re lesser somehow. It’s like we all are supposed to give this impression that we are all superwoman and life with a new child is always blissful. It’s not and that’s OK. The good days will far outshine the bad ones! It’s just getting through the bad ones that’s tough, I know.
You sound like you are right on about her belly pain, possibly gas. When little ones cry inconsolably it is most always due to discomfort. Babies will arch their back when they are having belly pain and gas can be very uncomfortable for them. Changes in their diet can be huge and really affect this. I’m assuming she has a lactose intolerance or sensitivity because of the soy formula? Babies in the US drink whole milk form ages 1 yr to 2 yr but I’m sure her circumstances are much different and Dr O will sort that out with you I’m sure. I wish I could recommend a formula to you but I don’t know what they have their. Some soy formulas with still have other milk proteins in them that she could be sensitive to cause the gas and discomfort. I think you are doing the right thing at this point, under the circumstances, by skipping the formula for now and keeping her well hydrated with water and juices. She will need to go back on the formula or milk eventually but I’m sure you can back on track when you get home and you’ll have access to more resources. Infants need the fat in milk/formula at this age for brain development…but holding it for a few wks don’t mean she would go to college.
Hang in there. You are doing A GREAT JOB (Gary too I’m sure). You look like a natural in your photos! I may be without interenet for a few days coming up, but I wll be thinking about you guys!
Tall the best ~ Kristin
Hi Gary and Alli!
Bill shared your blog address with me and I am so happy for both of you! Avery is so sweet. Your blogs demonstrate a heartwarming devotion - you guys are amazing parents. I'm sure Avery will be dancing to her own comfortable beat in no time. :) I wish you and your new family the best. I bet you can't wait to get home with your beautiful little girl!
Safe travels,
Janet McCurdy
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