Monday, July 28, 2008

A poem I found today...

The Chosen Heart

Longing for a child to love,
I'd wish upon the stars above.
In my heart I always knew
A part of me was meant for you.

I think how happy we will be,
Once I adopt you, and you adopt me.

I dream of all the joy you'll bring,
Imagining even the littlest things.
The way it will feel to hold you tight,
And tuck you in every night.

The drawing on the refrigerator door,
And childhood toys across the floor.
The favorite stories read again and again,
And hours of games with make-believe friends.

The day you took my outstretched hand,
A journey ended, but our lives began.
Still mesmerized by your sweet face,
Still warmed inside by our first embrace.

I promised to give you a happy home,
And a loving family all your own.
A house you've now made complete,
With laughter, smiles, and tiny feet.

A parent is one who guides the way,
Know I will be there everyday.
Rest easy as each night you sleep,
A lifetime of love is yours to keep.

Longing for a child to love,
I'd wish upon the stars above.
In my heart I always knew,
A part of me belonged to you.

(c) 1997 Teri Harrison

As the days go by I am finding myself needing to be doing things...this is the hardest week I have had so far...I don't know why, and I don't want to analyze it. I know there will be more and tougher days ahead. I am definitely not good company this week.

This is another great poem I found about adoption, it helps and expresses the feelings I feel when sometimes I can't.

Thank you Heather & Don for your comment-it helps so much to know that people are with us and are also keeping track of the adoption. Thanks!!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Feeling frustrated and more frustrated...

I don't think people truly understand the process we've been through so far. Maybe it's just me but I feel as if people don't care anymore about the adoption and have forgotten about it and it will be that way until we actually get our referral. I know I am extra sensitive about the adoption but ya know what cut me some slack!! We have been waiting for approximately 7+ years for this to happen for us...of course I am sensitive about the subject. I am at my wits end with family and I am trying to be social and put on a brave face and say all the right things and be the person everyone wants me to be...but some days -NOPE!!!

I look around and see everyone else with their families and what it must be like to have a little face look up at you and you be their whole world...and my heart hurts. What I can't get is how people don't understand that. Everyone looks at you like you should want to hold every baby you see and interact with every child you see but that's not me...even though that's the pressure that is put on me from myself and from others. I want to hold Avery...our daughter, my heart thinks of her every second of everyday. I teach children everyday, from age 3-18, and I love those kids like they were my own...but they're not and the reality of that hits me everyday. I am not Miss social butterfly, never have been never will be...I am at my work and with my kids there, but not out and about, I am my father in every way.

The things that we are able to do now, are the quilt squares and Avery's life book, get fun things for her, and clothing, and really just WAIT and WAIT!!!!!!!! So when family act uninterested I take offense...I shouldn't but I do. I guess it goes both ways, I don't ask them so they don't ask me-fair enough. We've had a lot of, not do a square for her quilt which really boggles our mind. A simple thing like that and wish to not participate-okay that's fine. I know everyone is busy and has lives, we do too. We have over 160 kids that we put on 4 shows a year for, and a business that takes up most of our time, all the time. I'm just venting here, it's been a hell of a day!!!

I am keeping a journal of things that happen in our lives and that's hard for me to do. I think I'll start putting it on the computer, because I am more apt to sit down at the computer and write than do a journal entry. I'll keep trying though. When people avoid talking to us the adoption it makes it harder. We need to talk to other people than just the 2 of us. We are needy right now, sorry. We are frustrated at the wait time...even though we know it is going to be long. My kids at the studio and parents at the studio that I don't know that well have asked more questions lately than family. Maybe I just need this week off to gain some more perspective on our situation. I am just venting, the good and the bad and the ugly.

On a happier note-

Thank you to Aunt Nancy & Uncle Tom for the ladybug stuffed animal/pillow. It is adorable and than you for thinking of us and Avery. I needed that and so did Gary. It is so soft and we love lady bugs!!!! It will go perfect in her room!!!

Thank you also to Aunt Cathy Hudnall. We hope you feel better really soon, we missed you at the get together today!!! Thank you for all of your kind words about the adoption, and we think about you often-feel better soon!!! We love you!!

Love to everyone~
A frustrated Alli

Monday, July 14, 2008

Keeping hope alive!!

I am writing this blog really quickly before I have to go teach my first dance camp of the day. I am responding to the people who are wondering where the 10 months comes from and those of you who are so negative at this process.

We are 12 months and 11 days into our adoption. We do not go the CCAA website every week or even once a month for updates. I feel that that just makes you go crazy, and feel really frustrated. I also feel that there is so much information out there on the wait time that nobody really knows how fast or slow the process is going to be or take. So, 10 months is our next goal. That will bring us up to 22 months and then we will go from there. The original timeline we were told was 18 months but that was when we started the application process. We know it will be longer...much longer. Anyways if they are saying 25-28 months then it's not much longer than what we've predicted. So then we will get to those dates and go from there, could it be longer...sure.

There is SO much out there on the internet about the wait time and SO much about people thinking it's not fair and getting totally frustrated. There are so many blogs and websites, and negativeness out's not for us. I think all of us that are all in the same boat should really support each other and not be negative in the slightest. It doesn't help anyone's situation to be negative. Be positive, there is always the chance that things will speed up. All of this looking to see how many referrals they got through in how many days per month, just makes you go crazy with the waiting.

We have decided not to dwell on the situation. We will start Avery's nursery this Fall, not being in a hurry. Her nursery will wait for her until she gets there. I believe in thinking positively about this situation. Do I have bad days where it makes me crazy...sure do just read back in the blog. But 10 months is our next goal. Let us get there, and actually I'm going to break it down on our way to 22 months. We all have to handle this in our own way...she is always on our minds...she will wait for us until we get there. The wait is long but worth matter what and no matter how long it takes.

God bless and love to everyone in our family and our friends, and people who are in our situation...just believe!!
Keep hope alive!!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Zhou Nian Kuan Le to us... again!!!!

Happy 1 Year anniversary of the adoption dossier being in China to us!!!

Yes, it has been 1 year since we sent our dossier. The year seems to have gone slow but also very fast at the same time. We are expecting to wait another 10 months...fingers crossed that that's all we have to wait. So, Avery should be born anytime within the Summer if our calculations are correct.

Stay tuned for another blog to be put with this one. Now that we are 1 year in, I am going to start a Dear Avery journal. To say what we want to her as we wait the last months before her arrival. To document our days, and so we can look back and see what we were doing on the day she was born. Maybe there will be something special that happened that day that made me think of her, or something special was said or whatever that would relate to her birth.

It feels like we are in the home stretch. We have re-done our breezeway and the downstairs bathroom. Those were two things we wanted to do before we started the nursery. So we are on our way.

So happy Shou Yang to us. That means adoption in chinese.

If you have squares for Avery please send them in to us as soon as possible!!!

Love to all,