Sunday, July 27, 2008

Feeling frustrated and more frustrated...


I don't think people truly understand the process we've been through so far. Maybe it's just me but I feel as if people don't care anymore about the adoption and have forgotten about it and it will be that way until we actually get our referral. I know I am extra sensitive about the adoption but ya know what cut me some slack!! We have been waiting for approximately 7+ years for this to happen for us...of course I am sensitive about the subject. I am at my wits end with family and I am trying to be social and put on a brave face and say all the right things and be the person everyone wants me to be...but some days -NOPE!!!

I look around and see everyone else with their families and what it must be like to have a little face look up at you and you be their whole world...and my heart hurts. What I can't get is how people don't understand that. Everyone looks at you like you should want to hold every baby you see and interact with every child you see but that's not me...even though that's the pressure that is put on me from myself and from others. I want to hold Avery...our daughter, my heart thinks of her every second of everyday. I teach children everyday, from age 3-18, and I love those kids like they were my own...but they're not and the reality of that hits me everyday. I am not Miss social butterfly, never have been never will be...I am at my work and with my kids there, but not out and about, I am my father in every way.

The things that we are able to do now, are the quilt squares and Avery's life book, get fun things for her, and clothing, and really just WAIT and WAIT!!!!!!!! So when family act uninterested I take offense...I shouldn't but I do. I guess it goes both ways, I don't ask them so they don't ask me-fair enough. We've had a lot of people...family, not do a square for her quilt which really boggles our mind. A simple thing like that and wish to not participate-okay that's fine. I know everyone is busy and has lives, we do too. We have over 160 kids that we put on 4 shows a year for, and a business that takes up most of our time, all the time. I'm just venting here, it's been a hell of a day!!!

I am keeping a journal of things that happen in our lives and that's hard for me to do. I think I'll start putting it on the computer, because I am more apt to sit down at the computer and write than do a journal entry. I'll keep trying though. When people avoid talking to us the adoption it makes it harder. We need to talk to other people than just the 2 of us. We are needy right now, sorry. We are frustrated at the wait time...even though we know it is going to be long. My kids at the studio and parents at the studio that I don't know that well have asked more questions lately than family. Maybe I just need this week off to gain some more perspective on our situation. I am just venting, the good and the bad and the ugly.

On a happier note-

Thank you to Aunt Nancy & Uncle Tom for the ladybug stuffed animal/pillow. It is adorable and than you for thinking of us and Avery. I needed that and so did Gary. It is so soft and we love lady bugs!!!! It will go perfect in her room!!!

Thank you also to Aunt Cathy Hudnall. We hope you feel better really soon, we missed you at the get together today!!! Thank you for all of your kind words about the adoption, and we think about you often-feel better soon!!! We love you!!

Love to everyone~
A frustrated Alli

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

alli and gary,

Today's quote on the calendar that my mom gave me is:

"Every Family has its own rhythm, and if you dance with your children, that rhythm will become a part of them, and they will never forget it." - Geoffrey Holder

It made me think of you and Avery dancing in your October recital. We are praying for that it is sooner and not later for you.

Love, Heather & Don