Maybe it's because it's "Spring", but it doesn't feel like it yet because it's still dreary. Maybe it's because I'm so busy right now and mentally drained from work and completely exhausted, that my soul feels tired. I am so looking forward for our life to change and the focus of our lives to change. I am wanting to be thinking about other things especially when I am overwhelmed by work and doing so much to prepare 100+ dancers for 3 shows coming up in May & June. I am longing for the days where the focus is only going to be on 1 child. I am so used to being stressed and doing so much for my work that I think I forget about life, and to live it sometimes.
Even though I am technically not a Mom yet, I have been a Mom/2nd Mom to my students for the past 13 years. I want to be able to think about designing the nursery, starting the quilt, finishing pages for her scrapbook, starting her life book. Picking out material for her curtains, and everything else. Instead right now it's all about choreography, and costumes, and music, and shoes, and make-up, and rehearsals that are 5-6 hours long on the weekends, and I feel like my head will explode!!! But on the other hand I love all that too!! Just right now, I'm getting older and I want my focus to change. Instead of teaching all the little ballerinas at the studio, I want one of my own. I want to teach Avery how to do pliés, and gallops, tip toe walks, and arabesques.
I love my job and teaching, I love the kids. I love teaching new moves and getting excited when they do it right, and encouraging them to try harder when it's not just right. But lately I feel as if something is missing. I guess I have always felt it, but lately I feel it more. It's hard to watch everyone else with their children, and it's not jealousy it's just that want from deep inside that comes out.
Then all the insecurities come out, like I said before you aren't considered a "real" adult until you have children of your own, especially when you are in your 30's. Everyone assumes you don't want children, but have no idea of the hardships that you have faced up to this point, of trying to conceive, and being disappointed month after month after month. Then you find something that works for you...adoption. The timing feels right and you get so excited and you know it's going to be a wait...but then the wait gets extended, and extended, and extended. Then you are back to being disappointed all over again.
It's hard and I am tired lately...need some inspiration.
The sad thing is we have about another 12 months at least, of waiting and I'm sure that this waiting will get even worse.
I am hoping that going to Boston in 2 weeks, and having the May show, and working on an adoption piece for the show will help relieve some of my "tiredness". I hope so.
Thursday will be our 9th month into the adoption. Almost to double digits!!!-FINALLY!!
Take care & love to all~
~Alli
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