Big discussions and big decisions...

As we've been on this journey to parenthood for the past 30+ months we have had our ups and downs, and some really big ups and some really low downs, it's to be expected on this journey of parenthood and on this journey of adoption. But sometimes you have those days that just weigh on your mind and on your heart and you wonder where to go and what to do.

As I had a day off on Friday I was very tired and very unmotivated. I'd had one of those weeks where everyone tells ya how tired you look, and you really don't feel it until your day off. I did something I never do, I went on those sites that when you're in International adoption you should never go on. But I did and what a depressing couple of hours. Yes...hours. Once you're in that world you can't get out because you are looking for some string of "good" news. It's all so dismal and you can't believe what you're reading, and so you keep looking for new posts and some shred of hope. I know, I know, what was I thinking. Bad idea...I know.

That whole experience just put a damper on my whole day, and nothing was accomplished. Gary came home from work and unknown to me he had had one of those days also. Gary only has these days about 2 times a year. Once this time of year, and the other in the Summer. But he had had a day where the adoption was weighing heavy on his mind. We had both had a bad day, and one that just makes you frustrated, and depressed, and angry, and fed up.

I feel like I keep telling everyone 10 months, and I'm not sure that's what it is, nobody knows, and we cannot wait another 24 months or longer...

Despite our bad days, we had a nice dinner together. It's nice that I've had my Fridays off lately, I can cook, and we can actually sit at our kitchen table, talk and eat together-a rarity sometimes. So some big subjects and some big topics, and some big decisions have been made.

We talked about the last 30 months and how hard it has been. Gary said, "We've turned into that couple we met at the Chinese New Year Party 2 years ago."  The ones we said we never wanted to turn into...but after 30 months...we are there. They just looked so worn down, and sad, and the wait had beaten them. I think Gary and I feel that way a lot, we hide it well a lot of the time, but not so good  other times. This journey has been hard on us, wondering why us, and where is OUR daughter, and when. But also, the constant asking of when, and why from everyone else is also hard. So, as we carry the burden of waiting and waiting and waiting, we also carry the weight of everyone else, because of the unknown. We love to be asked about the adoption, so this doesn't mean to stop asking it actually means keep asking but no assumptions, and more understanding, and more listening to us, that's what we're really saying. But we have made some decisions about the adoption and we are letting family & friends in on the direction we are planning to take for the adoption...

We are coming up on the 3rd update of our dossier. We have to get our fingerprints done again, state and federal. Plus, an update to our medical, financial, and home study is coming up again also. So, we've decided to change to the special needs program for the adoption. We have had many discussions this weekend and we think this is the way to go for us. It should speed up our referral time, and we can definitely care for a special needs baby. It does mean a little more paperwork, and  a lot of time researching in the next week about the "special" needs of the children in the China program, but we really think this is our path. We think this was our journey to begin with and we finally now are starting to realize it, and some things we already knew are still true.

We know that we will have an Asian daughter, that we know for sure and we know that in our soul, that our "Avery Lin" will be from China, and will change our lives. So we are still in the China adoption program but will be talking to our agency this week about the switchover and what it may entail and what it will actually mean for us. We truly believe this is our path, our calling, and that it probably was our path from the start and we are now just realizing it. This journey has taught us a lot, patience, friendship, endurance, how to deal with disappointments, how much our love can withstand, and how to love beyond boundaries, beyond anything and how to handle anything and everything that may be thrown at you.

We plan on talking to people we know who have gone through the special needs program, people we know who have switched to the special needs from the non-special needs program. We have tons of questions for our adoption agency. A lot to ask, and do, and think about in the next few weeks. But we really do feel this is right for us and this is the journey that will lead us to our daughter.

We hope everyone will support our decision, and we will need many prayers, and positive thoughts as we venture into our new territory. We will need a lot of support, and a lot of inquisitive questions.

So that was the big discussion...and the big decision.

Wish us well!!

Love,
Alli & Gary